Someone once said, “You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family.” Another unknown wisecracker added to this, “But you can, not answer their calls, invite them to any special occasions and forget they even existed.” I think it is obvious that the for mentioned person did not have the greatest family. This point of the joke is that we like our friends, that is why they are our friends. We have no choice about our family.
Or do we?
As was noted, you can choose to basically not be family. You can ignore them, cut them out of your life, and decided that your life would be better off without their intrusion. Hurts cut even the tightest of bonds. How much more those with people who can get on your nerves? All it takes us a misspoken word, a misunderstood intention, or the fact that you did not come to my house when I hosted the holiday get together last year, to cause a gaping rift between members of a family.
While you cannot choose your family, you can certainly choose not to be family.
You can also choose to be family. I believe that is the better option.
We can choose to be family by walking the difficult path of loving someone who wronged us. We can also choose to be family by talking the difficult path of seeking out the person that we wronged, whether we believe we did anything wrong or not. I am reminded of Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:23-24:
“So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”
Jesus words tells us that if we know a someone has an issue with us, we need to go and try to repair the issue. I say “try” because you may humble yourself before the person you have wrong and they choose to still hate you, to reject you, to cut you out of their life. There is no guarantee here that reconciliation will take place. However, this does nothing to change the command to “go.” Jesus warns us following this to go fast. The longer you put off seeking to deal with the wrong the more difficult it will be. However, be wise. Reach out the them and let them know you want to talk if they are ready and willing to hear you out. Sometimes people need a moment to cool off.
Let me also say this. Jesus does not say, “Go, only if you actually wronged the person.” There are times we refuse to go reconcile with someone because we do not believe that we really did anything wrong. “They are the one who took it wrong,” we say to ourselves. I do not believe this excuse will fly with Jesus. It comes from a seat of pride. Pride will never fix a fracture, only humility.
Humility is what is needed for forgiveness as well. Interestingly enough, Jesus does not only put the onus of restoring a fractured relationship on the “offender.” No, he calls the offended to go as well. Listen to his words in Matthew 18:15:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
I will grant you that this situation takes place more in the realm of church disciple. However, I think the application still holds for other areas of our lives. When some else hurts us, Jesus calls us to go talk with them about it. Why? Maybe they have no idea how deep the cut is? Maybe they do not know how much they have wronged you? The ability to restore the relationship is in your hands. Jesus does not want you to let it slip by. Deal with the hurt that needs to be dealt with before it drives a wedge in the relationship.
Jesus is really smart. Not that he needs me to say that. It seems clear that the reason Jesus tells both the offended and the offender to go is because our tendency is to wait for the other person to move. It is like two people sitting by a phone determined to not call the other person until that person first calls them.
Who then will make the call?
Is it fair to tell the person who was hurt to go?
Jesus came to us, so why does it matter?
Is it fair that I should have to go if the other person is overreacting and I feel like I really did not do anything?
The God of the universe put on human flesh, let his creation spit in his face, and suffered a humiliating death to save us. What is eating a little crow to you for the sake of repairing a relationship?
Maybe this Thanksgiving you need to sort some stuff out with a family member. You need to make the difficult choice to go be family. Do not delay. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. They may get too hard against you or you may let your heart grown to hard against them. Do not sit there waiting for them to make the big move, make it yourself.
This is easier to write than to do and I am meddling. Reconciliation requires pain at every level. Please, for the sake of your family and to honor the Lord, seek reconciliation. Since Thanksgiving is about time with family, this would be a great time to seek reconciliation. If they reject you, you have lost nothing. But if they hear you out and accept you, you have gained them back.
You cannot choose your family, but you can choose to be family.
So go and be family.
Walking In The Wilde 